When my son is an Olympian

Posted on March 2, 2010 by 40andover

On Sunday night, we gathered for the usual family dinner. This time, we ate out, courtesy of Dad who stuck a crowbar in his wallet and sprung for the bill. It was my (older) sister’s 50th birthday. It was literally the least he could do. I did the least I could do as well by merely showing up. At least our son made a card.

Our son mentioned he would rather be watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Ok, he doesn’t get the tact award. My cousin asked our son about what he saw and learned from watching the Olympics. He said that every night, he and I went over the sports that were too dangerous for him to try. My cousin asked what sport he could try and he answered, “curling”. My cousin leaned over and asked me in a sidebar, “how long do these prohibitions last?” to which I responded quite emphatically, “until I am DEAD!!”

Bottom line, my son will never make the skeleton or the luge team, as if they are sports anyway. They are kamikaze runs. Have you noticed that the winter sports are REALLY dangerous? Just ask any insurance agent whether some of these athletes can get life insurance. Ok, maybe Lloyd’s of London will insure these athletes. But then again, Lloyd’s insured the Argentine fleet against the British navy in that not-so-recent unpleasantness over the Falkland Islands. (Remind me why those islands mattered enough to risk lives?) Then again, Lloyd’s behavior seems quaint in the wake of the global economic collapse created by a few 25 year-old derivatives traders and short sellers. But I digress.

Curling isn’t really an option, either. It looks like “extreme housekeeping” with those hot iron and the brooms. And my son, a chip off the ol’ block that he is, knows gornischt (nothing) about housekeeping.

Why Airlines Should be Punished

Posted on March 1, 2010 by 40andover

I recently flew to and from California. Years ago, the quality of ticket I purchased would have been in the “leisure traveler” section. Soon that name was too grand and the designation became “coach”. From there, it tumbled further down the slippery slope into “economy” class which meant no one cared if you had an aisle seat right next to the stinky bathroom. This trip has confirmed that the tumble has gone into free-fall and the proper designation is “cattle-car” class.

On the way there, parents separated from their children reached across strangers to hand their drooling children some bribe to try to stay quiet. Then the parents put on their Bose headphones — you know the ones that block out all sounds. Excuse me, but don’t you think that we — the poor strangers subjected to your whining progeny– deserve the headphones and you deserve to hear your children?

And I can’t forget the guy who pretended we were seated in first class by expanding his elbows not only into my personal space but in my very rib cage. (Really? Did you really not feel some resistance to your expansion, you creepy man?) I pulled down the tray table, put my pillow on it and then did a face plant into the pillow, so Mr. Strange-as-G-d-makes-us can elbow away.

On the way back, I took the red-eye and I was tired and aggravated. Already one guy held up an entire line of people to get his laptop out of his bag. And it was not my imagination — the seats were smaller. I am a little person and I felt like I was busting out of the seat. Also, someone (or more persons) took all of the space in my overhead bin. I was seated in the bulkhead so I had to stow everything. While the idiot man getting his computer held everyone up, I noticed someone adding a satchel to the luggage in my overhead bin. When I got to my row, I took the satchel and handed it back to the guy and said, “this is not going to work, I have no seats in front to stuff my bag under.” He took it and didn’t put up a fight.

And WHAT is with people not turning off their smart phones when asked? I was about to lunge at this young woman whose tweeting was obviously so profound and important that she could risk endangering us all. My colleague seated next to me stopped me so that I would not be arrested and carried off the plane in restraining gear.

And, $3 for earphones? Soon we are going to have to pay to use the restrooms.

Airplanes today are just gross and need to be upgraded for humane use.

Ok, I remember flying Air Myanmar. The planes seemed like demo models because they had indentations where the oxygen mask and the flight attendant button ought to have been. Also the seats flopped back and forth on take-off and landing. I sat next to a Buddhist monk so I felt safe. My friend was in a row with only one seat; the rest of the row was penned-in for some yaks who were also welcomed aboard in that way that only a repressive regime can welcome a visitor (“Good luck, if you have it”).

So, airplanes today aren’t the most inhumane I’ve experienced but I am going to save my pennies and investigate private plane service. I bet it costs about the same as first class, which isn’t even first class anymore.

Tea Party-ers in Revolutionary Get-Ups

Posted on February 5, 2010 by 40andover

Ok, I don’t get what was so great about the pre-Revolutionary War period.

Milk and water had deadly bacteria, “medicine” consisted of bloodletting and leaches, and the economies of the colonies went through more boom and bust cycles than we have in the 20th and 21st centuries combined.

Also, women didn’t vote, slavery was legal and an education was a luxury. Life expectancy was short and infant mortality high. You were either born into poverty or great wealth — no in-between. There was war and its unspeakable human carnage.

In case the tea party-ers are not students of history, they are in the costumes of either the unofficial American aristocracy who made incredible fortunes from smuggling and the slave trade or those who were the impoverished masses and were controlled by that unofficial aristrocracy. And the Boston tea party was a Samuel Adams’ instigated mob riot intended to rile everyone against the king of England. All engineered by the wealthy colonials, not the “common people”.

If you are looking for grass roots democracy, try the Native American tribes on which Jefferson based his vision of government.

So, tea party-ers, what is your point? If you want to go back to that time, well, have fun but count me out. I would rather deal with a spoiled society on the verge of global devastation, but with the brain power and ultimately, I hope, the conscience and the technology and intelligence, to figure out how to save our earth and our humanity.

But if you just want to dress in knickers and wigs, then knock yourselves out.

Single Mom for Two Days

Posted on February 4, 2010 by 40andover

Single parents should get medals for valor and Olympic-level strength and endurance. This is my first day of a two and one-half day gig, and I am exhausted. As a rule, I do not consider it morning until the sun has risen. But, I had to get up at 6am — which is, I note PRE-dawn — in order to wake my adorable sleeping child at 6:30. He is a morning slacker like me. He hates getting out of the warm comfy bed during the week (but 6am is noooooo problem on the weekends). He would not budge. I had to open the window. I had to turn on the lights. I had to tickle him. Then, I jumped on top of him in a (gentle) body slam. Still, he resisted. So, I did something worse than anything else — I started to sing at the top of my lungs as I dragged him out of bed. Well, that did it. My voice can make my 7.5 year-old cry out in anguish. (Hey, I say, if you got a gift, use it.)

The rest of the morning went smoothly as my child went through the motions with a horror-stricken look on his face.

He and I will be so glad when Mommy comes home from her business trip in California.

We live in a crowded city

Posted on February 2, 2010 by 40andover

I went to the gym again tonight as part of my new mind-body balance regimen. Who am I kidding? Myself, of course. But let me dream for another day and then crash-land into Hershey milk chocolate nuggets, take-out food and acne. For two days, I have breathed calmly and deeply, in with nourishing oxygen, out with bad energy. It started out great, until I realized I was breathing car exhaust and then started hyperventilating, but I digress.

In my karmatically balanced state, I walked into the locker room, certain I would rise above the bloggable moment. Then I rationalized even a vegan sneaks a bacon rasher every now again. I had to entertain this juicy rationalization because I have to report the bloggable moment. I walked over to the toilet stalls to the left of the sinks. At the sinks were two women — strangers it appears — one, brushing her teeth (bravo on the oral hygiene), the other shaving her underarms (obviously ANYthing can be done in public nowadays).

Let’s reflect on that. Oh, and someone was eating a power bar of some sort not 5 feet away. I guess I should have mentioned that you shouldn’t read this while eating. My bad. All that carbon monoxide I was deep-breathing to cleanse my body. Hmmmm.

I happen to know where the chocolate nuggets are stashed. . . .

First Family Sunday Brunch of 2010

Posted on January 3, 2010 by 40andover

So, last week, as I mentioned in my blog, as part of our family tradition, we gather together on the Sunday after Christmas for brunch to kvetch while our mouths are full of food.

Because at that brunch we didn’t kvetch enough or talk enough about our petty grievances against the humanity, the world and the next door neighbor, we re-convened at my house this Sunday. We hoped the snarky energy that I emit in my home would provide a better venue for the spirit of our gathering.

Unfortunately, my sister couldn’t come because she had to cover for a sick colleague (“Doctor, heal thyself,” I say). Besides the patients are so used to rounds, they could round themselves. Still, my sister is a professional and went to the aid of her patients. So, already, good karma started to push out my snarky energy. AND IN MY OWN HOME. How galling.

My brother-in-law came and he is really too sweet to have to carry the banner of acerbic, sarcastic humor. He also has high blood pressure and a teensy cholesterol problem. So, I ratted him out in the middle of brunch when he ate chocolate cake by sending the following pictures by email to my hard-working sister:

Needless to say, my brother-in-law is now on a diet of lentils, rice, and anti-oxidants.

Also, our dear cousin for whom my sister broke ground by cooking scrambled eggs, came this Sunday. If my sister can cook eggs, well, I can, too.

SO THERE!!!

We are NOT competitive. Really. Nooooo, sireeeee.

Anyway, another cousin came over, too. He is really a wonderful kid and it was actually hard to be snarky. It was an odd feeling to want to be nice and gentle. Wow, age does mellow a person.

But, let’s re-evaluate tomorrow.

Weave these threads into your reality

Posted on December 17, 2009 by 40andover

In one city, Costco takes tomatoes off its shelves because Sarah Palin is scheduled to appear. I am sure that Costco wanted to protect the tomatoes from an ignoble end.

In Copenhagen, 193 nations are trying to agree on something — anything. When was the last time you got consensus in a family of three members?

Did you know that the food industry is responsible for 1/3 of all of the world’s carbon emissions? Give up grapes in winter and the save the world.

We are trying to agree with China on important things — North Korea, carbon emissions, sanctions for Iran. How about we start with something small, like, “it’s a lovely day, isn’t it?”

Now, no one likes the health care reform bill. The Congress behaved so badly, but of course it is Obama’s fault.

A Republican senator wanted to run out the clock on health care by requiring the reading of a laborious and largely symbolic amendment to the health care legislation. Debate, I get. Screaming and yelling, sure. Stonewalling? Outrageous. That senator ought to be in the penalty box for the rest of his term.

I can drive my Hummer, but Obama, Obama, needs to save us from Waterworld (I really can’t handle that horrible 1980s/90s movie turning out to be prophetic).

If Obama doesn’t fix health care, lower carbon emissions, balance the budget, reduce the deficit and increase jobs, ALL IN ONE YEAR, he will have failed. If I remember my anniversary, I am golden for 12 months. Wow, his job really sucks.

Being a pundit or a talking head must be great. Sanctimony with no responsibility.

The Worst Job in the World goes to . . .

Posted on December 3, 2009 by 40andover

President Obama. Poor guy.

Imagine if the size of your ears were scrutinized.

Imagine if the guy who had your job overspent, took too many vacations, broke the law, got some of the neighbors’ kids killed, made all your lenders angry and now some are threatening to come after you with a shot gun. Oh, and he forgot to tell you, the building is in foreclosure and the vending machine is busted.

Imagine if your words parsed for meaning. A mere, “Good morning,” could cause hours of “news” commentary on your inflection, your eye contact and whether or not you smiled. Hey, with such tough audiences, I would read from teleprompters, too.

Imagine if you couldn’t take a walk without it being, literally, an issue of national security.

Imagine if every morning you had to deal with two wars, bankers, a psycho in Iran building nuclear weapons, Israeli settlements, global warming, souring health care reform, joblessness and an economic crisis du jour.

Imagine if everyone feels entitled to have an opinion on your private life.

Imagine if you could never make a mistake. EVER.

In our Tribe

Posted on November 25, 2009 by 40andover

My hairdresser, a woman raised Catholic, was cutting my hair and we were just chit-chatting about things. She had watched a segment on circumcision and AIDS. She was wondering where the practice originated.

I mentioned that, under Jewish tradition, it is a sign of (and cost to join) the covenant between Abraham and G-d. After I said that, I wondered aloud about a man who believes in an omnipotent G-d, invisible to humans and who, after looking into the Heavens, looks down and sees not his toes but the foreskin on his penis and decides that he should cut that. Imagine how different life would be if he saw his toe or maybe if he just pierced his eyelid. Would Jerry Springer even let Abraham on his show?

Then Abraham hears G-d telling him to sacrifice his son Isaac. Abraham is willing to do that. Greeeeaaaat. After that episode is over, Isaac nevertheless goes home with him. Oprah would have an intervention. Judge Judy would have a coronary.

Isaac lets Jacob, his second son, steal his birthright from his firstborn, Esau. Corleone?

Jacob sees Rachel in a field, rips his clothes and falls down weeping. She marries him. Whaaaat? Before she can marry him, her sister, the bleary-eyed one (who knows) marries him. Two sisters, same man. Hugh Hefner-esque. EEEEEEEeeeeewwwwwwww.

G-d rewards Jacob and promises that he will give rise to a great and mighty people.

Yep, this is the heritage that the fundamentalist Jews and Christians are trying so hard to inculcate in our children. Some family values.

New York Stories – – Funny and Scary

Posted on November 23, 2009 by 40andover

Yesterday:

I hopped a cab on my way home from my dad’s house (he looks good). Judging by his name, accent, etc., he is Pakistani. He kept turning his head to talk and I kept saying, “what?” (More likely, “whaaaattttt?”). It turns out that I didn’t notice (when I got into the cab) there was a woman in the front passenger seat. Very diminutive woman, in fact. They seemed to be having a great time. She answered a cell phone on speaker, so I could tell it was a middle-aged woman (same age as cab driver). Was it his wife driving with him so they could spend “quality time” together? Was it a girlfriend? Hmmmmmm.

Postscript: I have thought about this further in the context of my job. Here’s a guy who brought his wife/girlfriend to work. I, the client, was the interloper. Imagine if I brought my partner to a deal closing and giggled throughout. But, then again, the cabbie probably has overheard the craziest things as his passengers chatter on cell phones, so why should he think it improper. All I can say is, eeww. EEEEwwww. EEEEEEwwwwwww.

Today:

Diffusion of responsibility is alive and well, 40 years after the Kitty Genovese killing (for those of you born in the 70s and later, people looked on doing nothing as the victim was being killed, believing that others would call the police).

There was a fight on the subway platform this morning and most people kept going along their ways. One man tried to break it up and, when he couldn’t, he called out to people to call the police. I ran upstairs where I could get cell phone reception and made the call.

I had a 911 operator on the line, describing the scene of two men fighting on the platform — actually one guy fighting; the other avoiding the fight. But there is no way to tell who instigated the altercation.

The 911 operator asked me to identify the races of the men. “White and black,” I said, wondering in my head if I should have said, “African-American”. But, then, should I have said, “Caucasian”? All this going on while I am trying to report something. Weird, where the mind goes. And, really, did my political correctness score really matter? No.

An MTA guard appeared and broke it up and one guy left and disappeared into a crowd. I told the 911 operator that the incident was over and the matter seemed to be under control.

Other people seemed to think someone else would do something. That was more frightening than the fight itself.

Postscript: Tonight, I told my son that I had to call 911 because people couldn’t settle a dispute with “words” and I also told him that “words” can cause fights. Not that he should be timid; just that he needs to understand the power of words, for example, to unite a country in hope, divide a country in despair or cause a fight in New York City on a subway platform.

40 — oh wait, yikes!! 50 — andoverblog

Aging and living in urban US

Tag Archives: de-civilization