More tales from the City

These past days, I have been lost in the old days and vignettes from childhood.

I remember that my parents often threw cocktail parties for my mother’s colleagues in the advertising and cosmetics industries.  My mother knew everyone’s cigarette preferences and she filled silver cases with the preferred brands and laid them on the coffee table.

And women had those tortoise cigarette holders that made smoking look so cool.

People drank Manhattans, Rob Roys and martinis (gin and very dry) and gimlets.  People drank blended scotch whiskey and Gordon’s gin back then.  I guess there weren’t that many other choices.  Twists of lemon, little onions and olives were in dishes, and there was a bottle (?) of bitters, ready to finish off the drinks.  My parents converted a closet in the foyer into a bar with an open front that faced into the living room.

A hired waiter passed hors d’oeuvres to men in slicked back hair and square hankies in the front pockets of their thin-lapeled suits and women (including Mom) who had Jackie Kennedy hairdos and dresses with shoulder wraps. No one dressed like Lady Bird Johnson.

We would come out in our matching pajamas and say good night.  And then Mom or Dad would tuck us in bed.  As soon as they were out of sight, we would creep back to the closed door closest to the “action” and listen and giggle until we were discovered and sent back to bed.

Only in retrospect, can I place the end of those heady days as around 1968.  I am guessing that it all ended as a result of social upheaval from the 1968 assassinations and the Vietnam War.  And because raising three children in the city was expensive.

Everyone tells me I ought to watch Mad Men.  But I prefer the memories.

PLaza3-9285

That was my family phone number for 50 years.

Not 212 753 9285. 

PL3-9285.

PL for PLAZA, meaning midtown east.

My dad’s office phone was JU2-1455.  JU meant Judson for midtown west.  There was MU for Murray Hill, etc. GR for Gramercy Park.  POB (partner of blogger)’s home phone was GR3-9119.

And it wasn’t just a series of numbers, but it located you in area of town.  Like old-fashioned GPS.  Your phone number made you less anonymous.  And you couldn’t take your home or business number with you if you moved across town. Wires and technology couldn’t handle that.  So, if you had a GR or MU or JU or PL number, you lived or worked in a geographically defined area.

And our zip code was 22, not 10022.  In the 1960s, you didn’t need five-digit zip codes, let alone the new nine digit ones.

Of course, some people (very few still alive) remember 6-digit phone numbers. They probably think I am late to the game of recognizing the lost nuances of day-to-day life in New York City.

But, today, I came across my birth announcement, among the memorabilia that I, as family archivist, need to preserve.  And it held more information than the fact of my birth (as a result of which my family was forever changed — some say for the better, others say “not so much”).  It captured a time and place in New York in the 1960s, where my family’s PL prefix in our phone number and our home address reflected upward mobility, into places where Jews mostly couldn’t find apartments.  It also suggest certain life that fashioned after JFK’s Camelot (at least until private school tuition kicked in).

The 60s gave way to the 70s and the urban decay.  Then came the late 70s, 80s and 90s and urban renewal and soaring population growth.  The end of the 20th century and first decade of the 21st gave rise to untold fortunes and a sea change in the socio-economic-racial-cultural urban landscape.

The nuances of numbers and two-digit zip codes were irrelevant and unworkable even in the late 70s.  Every now and again, I see a decades-old advertisement on a building that time forgot (until the lot next to it was demolished to build a high-rise) that has a six-digit phone number with a prefix that refers to a neighborhood.

And I think, I was born in a small town.  I was raised in small town.  It just got big and anonymous during my lifetime.  And these strangers don’t know the secrets of my small town.

And that’s good enough for me.

 

Carpe Diem

Tonight SOB (sister of blogger) and I had dinner with our uncle.  He is 81 years-old.  He has been in a slow decline in the last two or so years but able to dance (his life-long passion) and go about his life.

Unfortunately, he has aged rather dramatically in the last month.  So, SOB and I needed to convince him to let us help.  Just when we were bracing ourselves for the image we had, when he walked into the restaurant, the even further downward trajectory was so profound that it was hard not to cry.

He has our aunt, his partner of 60+ years, and he has SOB and me.  There is no one else close by.  (And our aunt has her own medical issues.)

He always said he lived every day as he wanted.  He said he hated going to sleep because he never wanted to end a day.

But living life on his terms and according to his muses often meant that he didn’t show up for his family (his parents or my mother — his sister) in their times of need.

I guess carpe diem means different things to different people.

As SOB and I helped him into our aunt’s apartment building (they have always lived separately), he lurched for the elevator and forgot to look back or kiss us goodbye.

Life on his terms.

The world is too much with me today

I have been close to many in my life who did not have children.  They were/are blood relatives or relatives-by-love.

Now, another set needs SOB’s (sister of blogger’s) and my help.  These two people were the heroes of our youth, the fun and youthful aunt and uncle.  They had lives in theater, dance, and the arts.  They knew interesting people and were “mod” when “mod” was cool.  They lived life on their terms and expanded our imaginations behind where our parents tried to direct our paths.

They are old now and much diminished.  A generation slipping through our fingers, as we try to make the twilight comfortable and the darkness not so scary.  They once were kings and queens of their destiny and audaciously bohemian in their lifestyles.

And now their nieces, a doctor and a lawyer exactly as their parents had planned, must introduce — gently, very gently — the calculable reality.

Because even free spirits need grounded guides through the indignities of aging.  But we have to learn their terms and conditions for aging.  There is no room for hubris in thinking we know what they want.  We have to ask and we have to listen.

When Mom died, we knew what she wanted — we had talked about it for years, as the cancer began to win — and it was easier to do what needed to be done.  It was excruciating but the details and the path forward were clear.  How ironic.

And yet I am concerned and sad, but not “down” because we are trying to do what must be done in the gentlest, most honest way possible.

Wish us luck.

The Sandwich Generation

The Sandwich Generation doesn’t mean just taking care of your parents while you raise your children.  It means taking care of your parents’ siblings and their spouses, if there aren’t children capable of stepping up.

So, after taking care of our mom, tending to our our dad (still on-going), and my taking care of a childless couple who were surely as much family as any aunt or uncle, SOB (sister of blogger) and I need to focus on Mom’s brother and his non-wife of 60+ years.

We have to tread gently.   At my grandfather’s deathbed, he made me promise that I would take care of my aunt and uncle.  I made a promise.  A solemn oath.  SOB and I knew our responsibilities before Grandpa asked.  But a deathbed oath to a 99  year-old man has a depth and complexity and a moral imperative that cannot be expressed in mere words.

We know what our parents wanted/want for the end of their lives.  They made it as clear as possible.

We need to understand our uncle’s and aunt’s wishes, as they age and grow infirm.

But our aunt and uncle lived life on their terms and we have to learn those terms.  We will also have to learn things about their lives and their unfulfilled aspirations that children and nieces needn’t ever know.  Aside from the medical and logistical realities of failing relatives are the truths of their lives — their yearnings, their losses, their unrequited dreams, their failings and, we hope, their senses of triumph.   But we don’t know where this road leads.

Our goals are simple: maximum comfort and independence, and sense of fulfillment for our aging relatives.  We can strive to provide the first prong.

It is a religious, moral and social compact that binds the generations.  It is our sacred duty, even if the day-to-day makes us crazy (ok, crazier).  I will complain about it, I will always be mindful of, and grateful for, this compact.

 

Life as seen by Blogger, Part 2

My Dad is healing from his fight with a New York City sidewalk.  Thank G-d, he was able to get up from his fall.

Of course, as the family archivist, I had to take pictures throughout the course of the healing process.  Dad still looks horrible, but at least his right eye is open and there is but a hairline fracture above his eye.

He came to the office on Wednesday and people were aghast (he comes for coffee at least once a week, and the staff has adopted him as a favorite visitor to the firm).  He looked like he had been in the fight of his life.  And to some degree, a fight with a cement sidewalk at his age is the fight of his life.  My father thanked everyone for their concern and, added as he stood up straight with his shoulders back, “you should have seen the other guy!!”

My Dad and TLP (the little prince) have a very special relationship.  So, Dad was very concerned that we prepare TLP for the discoloration and bruising on Dad’s face.  “I don’t want to scare him,” Dad admonished.  And Dad preferred that we have Sunday brunch at his house instead of Sunday night dinner at ours.  He just doesn’t like the attention from strangers that his injuries draw.

So, POB (partner of blogger) and I individually explained to TLP that Grandpa had a terrible fall and that he was ok, even though the bruising and swelling were hard to look at.  TLP pronounced himself ready to handle it.  And he understood that Sunday night dinner — which is more important to TLP than he will let on  — needed to be re-scheduled.

TLP hugged Grandpa and said, “it isn’t so bad!”  TLP was totally non-plussed about the bruising and swelling that is unbearable to me as Dad’s daughter.

As we sat down to brunch at Dad’s house today, TLP offered the toast, “to a fast recovery so you don’t miss Sunday night dinner next week!”

TLP loves and needs Dad and Dad loves and needs TLP.  And I thought, in that moment, POB and I have — so far — done the right things to bring together the generations of our family through love.  I don’t think we did anything other than to provide a forum for TLP and Dad to bond.  I am grateful to be the conduit.  It will enrich TLP’s life and extend Dad’s years.

And that is a blessing for all of us.

Dinner at Eight

POB (partner of blogger) and I have the same couples over for New Years each year.  A decade-old tradition.  But every now again, we like to gather a sub-set of the group for a “mid-semester” dinner.

POB really enjoys cooking new recipes.  But she needs a sous-chef.  I look to my left, I look to my right and then I realize, “le sous-chef, c’est moi”. I am good with that.  We set up a play-date for TLP (the little prince) and the two of us hang out companionably in the kitchen, each at our own stations, chopping and marinating and chatting.

POB accidentally purchased un-pitted olives.  She needed pitted olives for the fish marinade.  Two cups.  So, of course, I pitted the olives (and smell like Kalamata olives even today — two showers later).  Only when taking out other ingredients for the meal, did POB discover that she, in fact, had pitted olives in the refrigerator.  Hmmm, I thought.  Was there a passive-aggressive undertone?  Nah.  We just have an over-stocked refrigerator and we forget what is in there.

Guests arrive.  Wine and hors-d’oeuvres are warming up the crowd.  The smelling of delectables cooking in the kitchen puts everyone in a happy mood.  Time to be seated.  I help with the plates coming out.  The fish, which has a roasted tomato and olive marinade (along with various spices), looked very red.  As no no olives.  I look in the kitchen and there, on the counter-top next to the stove, was the mountain of olives I had pitted, a task that stained my hands and caused a noxious reaction with the perfume I had put on.  WHaaaaaaaat? Maybe there was something passive-aggressive after all. . . .

I turn to POB, my eyes wide with a sense of betrayal.  “Oh, no, sweetie, people were talking to me and I forgot to roast them . . .  and . . .  I am soooo sorry!!”  “No worries,” I say.  I bring the olives out, pour them over the fish as a garnish and explained to everyone, “I personally pitted these, so everyone is going to eat them — no excuses and no dispensation.”   I overheard someone say to Sabrina, “if I got [her partner] to pit olives for an hour and didn’t use them,  I would be making up for it for — I don’t know — YEARS.”  I caught POB’s eye and she looked at me and I smiled.  POB responded, “I think, it is only a question of months with [Blogger]; she is the forgiving sort.”

POB and I both smiled.  All is good and, as you all know by now, the “bravas” from our guests over my pitting the lives made up for everything.  I even washed the pots and pans.

Doctors without borders

This morning, I had a doctor’s appointment.  With PsyPHOB (my psycho-pharmacologist).  Not only because it is de rigueur in New York but because I am the poster child for better living through chemistry.  Nothing serious, just an anti-hyper-neurotic protocol.

(Those who know me wonder whether the protocol is working.  Fair question.)

About ten years ago, I determined that I didn’t want to change my then-existing character flaws and (medically toned down) neuroses because they make me who I am.

Anyway, since PsyPHOB is not my therapist, we can talk about life, etc., in a more conversational, participatory way.

He asked me if I had had a check-up recently.  Well, I was here in his office, wasn’t I?  And, I was going to have a tax check-up with my accountant later. Wasn’t that enough?

PsyPHOB thought a general check-up was a good idea, with a blood work-up.  Why?  Because he says I am middle-aged and peri-menopausal.  Ok, when did he have license to use those words with me?  Fortunately for him, he is 15 years my senior, so it is probably from personal experience with his wife.

Seeing the look on my face, PsyPHOB switched to another topic.  Taxes.  Oh, great.  He started reminiscing about bad tax shelters of 1980s.  Oh, good.  I mentioned jocularly that the only way to get out of a tax problem is to die and, even then, there could be consequences for the decedent’s estate.  Ok, a conversation stopper.

All right-y, then. Let’s go straight to matters at hand.

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At the end of the session, he reminded me about getting a general physical and the usual battery of tests.

I told him “head” and “wallet” were enough for one day.  Maybe, I will have my blood and guts checked out another day.  For now, I was tapped out.