It was 6:30pm and I was at a stopping point in my work. I thought to call Dad and check in.
The phone rang busy. Hmmmm. It was 5:30pm BOB’s time, so maybe he was calling Dad. But there was something about the busy signal that was more like a phone off the hook or a downed telephone line. Of course, the image of a land line with an actual wire into the house is such a dated one. Still, in my father’s house, where time has virtually stood still since my mom died in January 2003, it is not entirely outside the realm of reality.
I called compulsively for 10 minutes. 6:40pm. I called SOB’s line in case she was talking to Dad, although she calls around 4pm. Like clockwork. Still, I call SOB’s house.
[SIDEBAR: We, the kids and the kids-in-law, all have our roles that create the web of Dad oversight that we lovingly refer to as the “[Blogger family name] Protocol”. Some day it will come out in major motion picture. Don’t you worry.]
HOSOB answered. Ok, Dad is not talking to HOSOB or SOB. Problemmmmmmm.
I called Dad’s cell phone. Ring. Ring. Ring. Seven more times. “The subscriber has not yet set up voicemail.” BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Ok, panic was setting in. But I knew it could take Dad a few minutes to react to the ring and then realize it is his cell phone. Also, I know he has Life Alert, so I was much more calm than you would imagine. (I.e., hysterical, but without the weeping and wailing.)
“Hellooooo?” Dad answered. PHEW.
“Hi Dad, it’s [BLOGGER]!” I say loudly.
“Hellooo????”
“Dad, it is [BLOGGER]!”
“[Blogger] darling!! How are you?!!”
“I’m great, Dad.” I get right to the point. “Your home phone doesn’t seem to be working, because I tried you a number of times.”
“Hellooo????”
“Dad, it is [BLOGGER]!”
“So good to hear your voice!! Are you home?”
“No Dad, I am at the office, and I want to hear about your day, but, first, your land line is off the hook.”
“My whaaattt?”
“Land line. Off hook.” (if you speak slowly and loudly, even a nonagenarian can hear you.)
“But, sweetheart, I am talking to you.”
“On YOUR cell phone,” I CELL-YELL.
“Your brother called just a moment ago and your sister called at 4pm and I am talking to you now . . . ” Now, I was screaming into the phone. The COB (my law partner) ran into my office to check on me. I wave him away.
“Dad, since then, something is wrong with your land line. So please check to make sure the phone isn’t off the hook.”
Of course, there are no “hooks” anymore, but for those of us who remember the days of rotary phones and the handset that needed to be securely in the cradle before the line cleared, you know what I mean.
“Ok, I shall check.” [One of the only people who conjugates that verb correctly.] “No, nothing is wrong. Hellooooo???? I hear you fine.”
“Dad, you are holding the cell phone so you hear me. Dad, go into your office and check but Dad, please DON’T HANG UP.”
Ok, he hung up. I called back.
“Hellooooo?”
“Hi Dad, it’s [BLOGGER]!” I say loudly.
“Hellooo????”
“Dad, it is [BLOGGER]!”
“[Blogger] darling!! My phone is fine. I can hear you!!”
“Dad, I am calling on your cell phone. I will call Time Warner and find out what is wrong with your LAND line. I will call you back on your cell.”
“Ok. I shall wait for your call.”
I spoke with Angenette, a lovely, lovely, customer representative at Time Warner. She could not find my dad’s number or name in the system. I called Dad back.
“Dad, Time Warner doesn’t have you listed.” I tried to contain my alarm.
“Of course not. I am on RCN.”
In my mind, I think: Who’s on first, What’s on second and SHIT is on third.
“By the way,” he continued, “since you called, I received an automated announcement about a temporary disruption in phone service that has been successfully resolved.”
Before I could respond, Dad’s land line rang and it was SOB from the hospital. HOSOB had had her paged because there was a potential “episode” requiring the EMERGENCY [BLOGGER FAMILY NAME] PROTOCOL. This involves ambulances (for all members of the immediate family), a hospital ward (for all members of the immediate family) and sedation (again, for all members of the immediate family).
“Hi, dear!! Oh, yes, everything is fine. [Blogger] is on the phone. But I don’t hear her, so she must be disconnected.”
“DAD, I AM HERE!!!! PLEEEEEASE PICK UP THE CELL PHONE!!”
Ok, now COB rushed in from his office in a panic. I am so loud that the building is shaking.
“Oh, dear! There you are. It is so wonderful to speak to all my children. What a gift.”
What a gift?! I have grown more gray hairs in this hour than I care to count. But, he gets to speak to all his kids numerous times within one hour. We continued to chat about our days and ended with mutual “I love yous,” as always.
I walk into COB’s office and lied on the floor and told him the story. “Hey,” he said, “it sounds like he had a great time. At the same time, however, your life? It sucked.” The Oracle from East Windsor.
Another day in the life.
