In my professional life, I always having a closing checklist for each transaction. Every piece of paper, every action, every issue goes on a centralized list, with responsible parties, deadlines and status. Good practice (or malpractice) starts with organization.
As for my personal life, well, not always. I try to maintain some type of order amid chaos, but let’s face it: without POB, my life would be a compost. Even POB was surprised, initially, at what lurked under the veneer of successful urban professional: my bespoke blazers and trousers held together with staples and scotch-tape (but never spit). Indeed a metaphor for my life then. The saving grace: I did have someone come in to clean, do laundry and re-stock toilet paper and other essentials.
So, I wasn’t joking 10.5 years ago when, during a discussion about whether to have a child, I asked POB, “am I not baby enough for you?” And now we have SOS and I have matured beyond my post-adolescent years. I am now a somewhat disciplined person in my personal life.
Still, a wedding. That is a huge undertaking and our mothers are not alive (and even if alive would not be young enough) to take over the process, make it their own, and forget about the two main characters. How I long for that. Yes, I said it. If I could outsource this to our mothers, I would in a heartbeat. I would get endless blog material. So, clearly, outsourcing to a professional wedding planner is, well, no fun.
So, here is where we stand (using lavender, as the official color of gay weddings):
- Dresses: √
- Undergarments: next weekend (stay tuned)
- Shoes: next weekend (stay tuned)
- Flat tummy and chiseled arms: works in progress
- SOS’s suit, shirt and tie: next weekend
- Rabbi: √
- Venue: √
- Caterer: tasting √; final menu: open
- Photographer: √
- Band: √
- Centerpieces: in process
- Wedding cake: √
- Invitations: in process (proofed; waiting for printer to send)
- Ketubah: in process (actually waiting for feedback from rabbi)
- Chupah: in process (poles reserved; cloth to be determined)
- Ceremony: needs work
- Vows: oy, don’t ask
- Our song: still need to tell the band
- Get: get what?
A get. Let’s just say that one of us needed a religious separation from a long-ago prior commitment. Traditionally, a get is something that a man gives a woman. But a man can say no and still, he can remarry (I think). If a woman doesn’t get a get, she is in limbo; she cannot remarry and her community will shun her. Forever. And there are horror stories even today about women in this very circumstance. It is a terrible rule that confirms a woman’s second class status in traditional Judaism.
In our case, the prior commitment was with a woman, so no need to get a get, right?? Pretty good argument, eh?
Well, since marrying two women under religious law isn’t exactly, let’s say, kosher, our rabbi considers that the getting of a get should also be gender neutral. Especially since, according to our rabbi, in its best sense, a get is a mutual release from the past. Really, rabbi? Sometimes, the past should just hang out there in the ether. No one ever got bit from a sleeping dog.
Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. Service of papers at last known addresses, summons to appear before a Beth Din, a religious court of three rabbis. Pretty serious business. The religious court convened on Friday, in the West Village. The three rabbis, two lesbians and one transgendering person, conducted the proceedings and finalized the releases. (To show our diversity, the rabbi officiating our wedding is straight.)
The ancients and the current, living orthodox would have keeled over. But they would have keeled over at the thought of the wedding. So, I say, let ’em roll, let ’em roll, let ’em roll.
So, to update our checklist:
- Get: GOT