New Year’s Resolutions

I am feeling pressure to make New Year’s resolutions.

In order to meet with social approval, they must be lofty, require some form of ascetism (as in, give up chocolate), be kumbaya in nature (donate more time and money) and not be too challenging to those in ear shot.

But I am not so generous, socially conscious or loving.  I am in my ME moment.

So here are my unsociable New Year’s resolutions:

  1. I will make sure every sweating person at the gym wipes off the machine after use or I will call out that person.
  2. I will eat chocolate once a day — and not that healthy dark chocolate stuff, but the milk chocolate with some hazelnut goo inside.
  3. I will spend money on “glam” things — going gray naturally requires more accessories than one might think.
  4. If you ask my opinion, I will give it to you.  So, chances are, if you are asking my opinion, I am going to tell you not to do what you want to do.
  5. If you look like hell, I will tell you.  Even if you don’t ask.  Let’s call that “my idiosyncratic charm”.
  6. I will try to do a head stand.  No world peace.  Just something manageable with six spotters and a personal trainer.
  7. I will drive into the countryside to reaffirm my disdain for bugs and other things “natural”.  I will come home to NYC and kiss the dirty pavement.
  8. I will love my family — the ganza mishpocheh — and friends more and deeper than last year.
  9. I will do something totally cool and groovy.  (Stay tuned.)

Happy New Year everyone.  Be careful what you say to me or ask me in 2011.

~ Blogger

A letter to my blackberry

‘Berry Darling —

You are the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  You are next to me as I sleep.

I know these economic times have been hard on all of us; still you don’t always light up with a message when I look at you.  Is it something I did or didn’t do, dear?

Don’t I take you everywhere?  Haven’t we traveled to Europe and lazed on the beach together?  Remember, when you fell into a puddle and I lovingly dried you out?  I know you don’t such take good pictures any more and there is a lingering buzz.  But I still love you.  (And I don’t remember your bringing me flowers and complimenting on my outfits.)

Yes, I still love you, even though there are brighter, more fun models.  I think one even makes coffee . . . no matter.

The important thing is that we communicate.  So I am going to tell you what I need from our relationship:  I need you quietly by my side, until I look at you, and then I want you to have messages that bring business and good and happy tidings from friends.  Is that so much to ask?

Dearest ‘Berry, think about this — and us — and let me know what you think, but don’t buzz.  I’ll look at it in the morning.

Goodnight, my sweet.