Anything goes in an epic day where nothing happens

Posted on September 6, 2009 by 40andover

After meeting my sister at the gym (see prior entry), I raced home and showered and changed in time to go with my family to my sister’s house where some out of town, and newly-minted New Yorker, cousins were coming for brunch. Before meeting me at the gym, my sister had schlepped on her bad foot to Zabars to purchase a Jewish soul food brunch extravaganza. (We both got the food purchasing gene from Mom; too much is still never enough.) Where is my brother-in-law, you ask? He was working on a painting assignment in his studio, but I cross-examined him and I was satisfied that he was hard at work and stressed about the painting and, more importantly, he felt guilty and undeserving of my sister’s love. So, he was excused for the day of family activities.

Whenever our family gets together, gastro-intestinal fortitude makes its way into the conversation. This time, a fourth generation cousin (third generation born in this country) talked about her IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I thought, wow, I thought irritable bowel was just a family personality trait (think about that for a second). I had no idea that it was a medical condition. She is a runner and cannot complete a run without — er, um — finding a bathroom (or remote area of the woods if she runs in the countryside). We discuss Metamusil, Immodium and other products while stuffing smoked fish down our throats. We discussed the relative cleanliness standards of most major chain stores in NYC and the value of her strengthened thigh muscles in being able not to sit down. Still we are eating. In fact, we have to talk with our mouths full just to get in a word amidst the chatter.

My son was very engaging until he stopped abruptly, got a bird encyclopedia (my brother-in-law is a bird nerd) and sat down to read. My father wanted to continue talking to my son, but my son would have none of it. He said, “Puh-leeze, Grandpa, I need some alone time to recharge my batteries.” Kids hear everything you say and some time, some place, it comes out — ZING!!!

My cousin brought homemade zucchini bread with zucchini from her garden. I thought that I could re-gift it for our barbeque in Scarsdale later in the day, but no one would believe that I made anything like that. Besides, it would be too much like life imitating art — or Seinfeld, whichever. Of course, after someone tried it and thought it was delicious, I mentioned that I had really wanted to re-gift it and was disappointed that any of it was eaten and my family (jokingly, I promise you) tried to make it look whole again so I could take it. I didn’t even watch Seinfeld (but I did hear the retelling of the episodes) and even this was too much. But reality is crazier than any fiction.

We had to leave this gathering to go to Scarsdale for a barbeque but by this time the migraine had overpowered the pills and I was achy and in need of a dark, quiet room. That is not possible in my house because when my son gets into playing with his toys, it is loud like an arena. And, he was so unhappy not to go to our friends in Scarsdale. So were we. I just couldn’t make it.

I slept for awhile and then we did some errands with the car I rented so we could go to Scarsdale. These are the kinds of errands that need a car — dropping off heavy stuff at donation places, etc. After a few of these type of errands, my partner gave my son a choice of whether or not to go to Fairway food store (the one that is like a warehouse) to shop. He opted not to, of course. My partner tried to change his mind but if you give a child a choice you have to live with the answer or start negotiating. So, I started negotiating. He got french fries and an ice pop at dinner if he and I stayed in the car while my partner went shopping for exactly 20 minutes. Then she remembered she had her iPod with the bird sounds game. But no one would let me renegotiate, so I was left in the car listening to high pitched bird calls. My migraine started to spread beyond the borders of my brain and threatened to create an epidemic of brain pain throughout upper Manhattan.

So as not to let the rental go to waste, we are going to the cemetery to visit my mom’s grave tomorrow. My sister will bring the left-overs from brunch so we can have a tailgate. Our family can eat anywhere.

Random Thoughts

Posted on August 31, 2009 by 40andover

I realized that I was talking to someone on her cell while she was in the office bathroom. I heard people talking and flushing. I need to sterilize my ear.

I am for universal health care coverage, but I will not pay for hearing aids or ocular implants for people who blast music in their ears. Especially on my subway car.

I saw a man standing just outside the employees entrance at a funeral home looking at the traffic going by. Was he waiting for something to happen?

My partner promised to handle a matter but left my cell phone number. Lesbian merger or dumping it back into my court?

How nice do I really have to be?

Would I get away with driving a person off a bridge if I promise to devote my life to public service (even though that wasn’t the quid pro quo for Teddy)?

If a bald, portly nerdy guy doesn’t see that he is lucky to have the girlfriend he has, will a baseball bat knock sense into him?

How come men think they are way better looking and way more desirable than they really are?

If you are blasting Karla Bonoff or The Pousette Dart Band and dancing around thinking you are cool, should you be entitled to social security benefits out of pity?

Did Sarah Palin drop off the face of the earth or was that just a fantasy I had?

Does Dick Cheney sometimes crawl back into his secret bunker for old time’s sake?

Do I have to go to the gym or can I imagine just how gross it is?

Blogcation Day 7

Posted on August 29, 2009 by 40andover

We decided to leave the rented beach house a day early and beat the horrendous weather.

The owner of the house has been in a constant freaked out state that people would ruin his “expensive” stuff (not to be a snob, but it was IKEA and CB2 stuff; if it were Design Within Reach I would understand it), so I took pictures of every stain we saw on his self-assembled finery. I also took pictures of the garbage piled up.

I even emailed him the picture of the joint that gave way on the IKEA futon in the downstairs living area. I tried to explain to him that we didn’t cause it but we discovered it when I, 120 pounds sopping wet, felt it give way as I sat down so immediately got up. First he heard: I put my sopping wet dog on the couch. I told him we don’t have a dog. Then he asked if he could get this straight — that we dragged the couch out into the rain so that it was sopping wet, got warped and gave way. Ok, ok, ok, ok. I am going into an alternate universe.

So, I continued the conversation, mostly intrigued about how far down the rabbit hole we would go. I told him that I took down the outdoor umbrella so it wouldn’t do any damage in the strong winds. I told that the umbrella was also bent a little. Then HE got bent out of shape. We started down the road of the sopping wet dog and I told him that we never opened the umbrella because the outdoor table was rusted over and we, as a rule, don’t eat on rusted surfaces, especially without a doctor present to administer tetanus shots. He couldn’t imagine how this could happen. I have no idea what others did in his house, but we were clean and careful and frankly out doing stuff all the time. I had to climb out of the rabbit hole before I would do irreparable damage to my mental health. My partner listened to my side of the conversation and thought I was insane. Then I told her the other side of the conversation. She wondered if Verizon charges extras for receiving phone calls from Mars.

Throughout the conversation, I had this image of the CSI: Miami team determining who did what damage so the cost could be properly apportioned to the appropriate security deposits. I don’t even like Horatio Caine on my TV set let alone in my head. eeeeeewwwww.

And, we were such considerate renters. Really. Not only did my partner SCRUB the slightly gross kitchen, but we left soap, toilet paper and paper towels for the next renters (no such amenities were afforded us) and I called to ask what I should do to batten down the hatches because of the crazy weather from Tropical Storm Danny. We wiped down the bathrooms, stripped the beds, etc., even though there is a cleaning service (well, um, precisely because we experienced the “quality” of the cleaning service).

It is good to be home with our stuff and our urban wildlife.

Postscript on “My very own urban jungle and I don’t mean the Bronx Zoo”

Posted on August 28, 2009 by 40andover

So, my friend sent me a picture of this costume because she thought, given my recent urban wildlife challenge40andoverblog.com/?p=1085, I might consider this for Halloween.

The Hatfields and the McCoys and the Clampetts?

Posted on August 24, 2009 by 40andover

Feuding families cause riot in Marion, Alabama

About 4% of the population of Marion rioted over a family feud. 4% of a town belongs to one or another family? Let’s think about the evolutionary implications for a “tight-knit” community.

EEeeeeewwww. EEEEeeeewww. Ok, on further reflection, let’s not.

AND, Michael Jackson is seeming less freakish by the day.

**********************************************************************************

Associated Press Monday, August 24, 2009

MARION, Ala. – Two Alabama families that had been fighting for years turned their feud into a full-scale riot Monday outside a small-town city hall, with up to 150 screaming people hurling tire irons and wielding baseball bats. The town’s police chief was hit in the head with a crowbar but was OK.

The two- or three-year-old feud apparently prompted a fight earlier in the day at a high school, after a window was shot out of a home Sunday night. Then, “all hell broke loose” later in the day, said Sgt. Carlton Hogue of the Perry County Sheriff’s Department.

“It was a full-scale riot is what it was,” said Tony Long, mayor of the town of 3,300 about 85 miles west of Montgomery.

My very own urban jungle and I don’t mean the Bronx Zoo

Posted on August 22, 2009 by 40andover

Last night, my partner and I were exhausted. We had just put our son to bed after dinner out to celebrate the end of camp and the start of our one-week family vacation at the beach. We had gone back and forth about whether a staycation was more wise financially and, as you will read, I am grateful for the splurge.

As background, a few weeks ago, there was a mouse in our bedroom. It is an old, pre-war building and there has been much renovation in the various apartments around ours. Also, until the mouse sighting, we had kept gobs and gobs of health food in my bedside table drawer.

Instead of moving out and selling the apartment (a non-starter, according to my partner) or setting traps (barbaric), we immediately discontinue our health regimen (what other people might call chocolate bars of a wide variety and satisfaction level) and I get those sound wave machines that emit a piercing sound intolerable to mice, gerbils and dare-I-utter-the-word-in-the-urban-jungle-rat. Oh, and we will be getting a terrier dog next year when our son is 8. A mere coincidence.

So, back to last night, we are now comfy-cozy, reading in our bed. Ok, I exaggerate, the air was hot and still and my partner, ever-loving, knows I hate the sound of the air conditioner. She falls asleep. I do not. Being a restless sleeper in all cases, and not being able to put work out of my head in this particular case, I go to the living room and lie on the couch trying to clear my head. THUUUUDDD. I look over on the window sill of the dining room and I see a mouse. (G-d, I hope it was a mouse.) It must have been living in the crevice between our bookshelves and the ceiling (note to self: write a comment about that carpenter on Angie’s List).

I run screaming into the bedroom, waking up our son in the process, who didn’t really care about the commotion because the tooth fairy had left him $5 for a lower front tooth. Thank G-d for the priorities of children. (Two top front teeth cost $10 a piece; and on the Upper EAST Side, that same front tooth can run a parent $20.)

My partner comforts me and is supportive as I resolve to get me a rifle like Jed Clampett and shoot me something to put into Granny’s soup. I had tried to be nice, but I will not be toyed with by . . . varmints. And this mouse wasn’t scared or, if it was, it was too well-fed to move very fast. I cannot tell you how fastidious we are about taking out garbage and cleaning the kitchen every night, so we are VERY freaked out.

We lie down again in bed and my partner puts her hand gently on mine to comfort me. Then, she grips my hand and shrieks. There is a bird or a bat in our bedroom!! Our housekeeper sometimes opens the windows without putting in screens and some aerial varmint must have gotten caught in our apartment.

It is swooping all around — high and low — and we are both screaming. Our son yells, “what is going on?” and I want to yell, “the tooth fairy is shaking us down for all the cash your teeth cost!!” but even in these trying times, I am a good mother. So, I yell, “nothing sweetie, go to sleep now” as if on any given day at midnight my partner and I are shrieking in utter terror.

I am living in the movie that is the fusion of two classic horror flicks and it is called “Willard and The Birds“. I also star as the Wife of Chucky ready with knives to throw at mice and avian intruders.

The flying varmint hides in the crevice between the top of one of our bedroom bookcases and the ceiling. A pattern emerges. Jimmy Hoffa may be buried up there. Even the word crevice is starting to freak me out.

We leave the windows wide open, hoping that, at day break, the Thing in Our Crevice will fly out. But there are fierce lighting and thunder showers through the night, so we were all staying as roomies. Finally, exhaustion causes us to fall asleep, although I did think about wearing my sunglasses in case the bird was really from a Hitchcock movie.

Morning comes. I call my sister, who is doing spectacular acts of kindness (see other blogs) as soon as I think she is home from taking a sick former colleague to the airport. My sister is groggy and emotionally spent and I tell her I need her husband the bird nerd to rescue us from The Thing in the Crevice. eeeeewww. eeeeeeeeww.

She says that she’ll come over and help and then adds, helpfully, we’ll be like Ethel and Lucy. Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, my sister is thinking comedy and I am living a horror movie. I call my brother-in-law on his cell and ask him to come by after his errands even though we will be long gone, seeking refuge in a beach house. He is such a great guy. He is so willing to help and he will bring my sister along and I think, oh, good, now it will be Ricky and Lucy looking for The Thing in the Crevice. One person’s comedy is another’s tragedy.

They call my partner’s cell while we are on the road (I am the designated driver) to give us updates. My sister really wants if I will blog about this. Does she know me?

Ooh la la la, GOP Hammer Goes Dancing

Posted on August 17, 2009 by 40andover

ss-090817-dancing-2009-03.ss_full[1]
Some of us may remember former Representative Tom Delay, affectionately known as “The Hammer” for his role as GOP whip in the Congress, as an aggressive, partisan operator.

In a move the proves that politics and game shows are alteregos, The Hammer has announced that he is auditioning for a place on TV’s “Dancing With the Stars”. I haven’t decided whether I am more embarassed for him or the show.

This raises some very complex issues:

Will he be paired with a dancer of little fame or a Democrat with star power?
Will he make suggestive dance moves that would alienate the conservative right and delight the left leaning tangoistas?
Will we be able to read into his dance what he thinks of health care reform by just how much he struts his 60+ year-old body around?
What if he is voted off? Will the right wing picket the show and accuse it of being un-American, commie and pro-health care reform?
Will sitting members of Congress be in the audience wildly cheering him on? Will they neck dance?
Will Sarah Palin draw an example from this and audition to be a contestant on the Amazing Race? I just realized how ironic that would be.
Will the GOP release a statement that The Hammer was in no way following the example of disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?
Will The Hammer wear effete dancing shoes and tight sequined clothes, signalling a softening on gay issues? Will John Ashcroft, our former US Attorney General and lounge lizard, join him behind the piano with a Liberace candelabra on it?
Will Delay appear with Donny Osmond, a famous Mormon, and will that give Mitt Romney the needed boost to go for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination?

(P.S.: 40andYoungerForNow — is this less depressing? Tom Delay today was a gift.)

Kym Kardashian?

Posted on August 14, 2009 by 40andover

Ok, I am a little behind on the latest Reality (which is, as Lily Tomlin said, for people who can’t deal with drugs). I thought the Kardashians were an alien species on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Since there was a Star Trek craze this summer (spring?), it seemed on-the-edge of reasonable.

So, now I know they have nothing to do with Star Trek, although the little I have read about them suggests that they are IN FACT an alien species.

I don’t need to watch someone else’s reality. Mine is hard enough to follow.

The reason why I watch Jon Stewart

Posted on August 14, 2009 by 40andover

Dan Rather wrote a book entitled, “The Camera Never Blinks”. Now, with the Internet, nothing is ever lost.

Last night, Jon Stewart showed Glenn Beck railing against the health care system when he was a CNN host and now saying that health care is awesome as a FOX News host. During Glenn’s time at CNN, he experienced the health care system first hand, with a botched hemorrhoid procedure. Hypocrisy revealed.

Jon Stewart took aim at Hillary Clinton’s outburst and Blagojevich’s downfall, so he is not a Democratic partisan hack. In fact, I understand that he would have voted for McCain in 2000. But let’s face it, Republicans are doing such stupid things these days that dumb Democrats rarely get any coverage.

I know, I know, Jon Stewart is just a comedian. A political satirist. And so funny.

Reckless Indifference to the Truth

Posted on August 13, 2009 by 40andover

If Sarah Palin believed what she says, then, ok, people can disagree on things.

End of life issues are difficult, emotionally, culturally, religiously and not for the undecisive.

But unless Sarah Palin wants to explain in Kerry-like fashion how she was for it before she was against it, I think she is just using anything to burnish her image as the true neo-con leader for 2012.

Why? because a Google search shows the text of her proclamation supporting end of life and quality of life decision-making:

State of Alaska > Governor > Proclamations > Proclamations Archive

Healthcare Decisions Day Printer Friendly

WHEREAS, Healthcare Decisions Day is designed to raise public awareness of the need to plan ahead for healthcare decisions, related to end of life care and medical decision-making whenever patients are unable to speak for themselves and to encourage the specific use of advance directives to communicate these important healthcare decisions.

WHEREAS, in Alaska, Alaska Statute 13.52 provides the specifics of the advance directives law and offers a model form for patient use.

WHEREAS, it is estimated that only about 20 percent of people in Alaska have executed an advance directive. Moreover, it is estimated that less than 50 percent of severely or terminally ill patients have an advance directive.

WHEREAS, it is likely that a significant reason for these low percentages is that there is both a lack of knowledge and considerable confusion in the public about Advance Directives.

WHEREAS, one of the principal goals of Healthcare Decisions Day is to encourage hospitals, nursing homes, assisted living facilities, continuing care retirement communities, and hospices to participate in a statewide effort to provide clear and consistent information to the public about advance directives, as well as to encourage medical professionals and lawyers to volunteer their time and efforts to improve public knowledge and increase the number of Alaska’s citizens with advance directives.

WHEREAS, the Foundation for End of Life Care in Juneau, Alaska, and other organizations throughout the United States have endorsed this event and are committed to educating the public about the importance of discussing healthcare choices and executing advance directives.

WHEREAS, as a result of April 16, 2008, being recognized as Healthcare Decisions Day in Alaska, more citizens will have conversations about their healthcare decisions; more citizens will execute advance directives to make their wishes known; and fewer families and healthcare providers will have to struggle with making difficult healthcare decisions in the absence of guidance from the patient.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Sarah Palin, Governor of the state of Alaska, do hereby proclaim April 16, 2008, as:

Healthcare Decisions Day in Alaska, and I call this observance to the attention of all our citizens.

Dated: April 16, 2008

40 — oh wait, yikes!! 50 — andoverblog

Aging and living in urban US

Category Archives: Truth is stranger than Fiction