Being Lunch Meat in the Sandwich Generation

Posted on February 2, 2015 by 40andover

I never thought of myself as liverwurst before, but it does connect and bind the two pieces of bread into a sandwich. Or maybe vegemite. Peanut butter is an aspirational concept.

I am a member of the sandwich generation. The child that needs to provide for her parent(s) and her child(ren). I, and so many like me, are the spread between the pieces of bread. We keep it all together.

Last week, Dad called, saying he was locked in his art studio and that he needed me to call the police. He had his coat on and was cold. I told him I would call him right back on his home line and if he answered that meant he was really at home and just momentarily confused. He agreed. But he didn’t actually hang up the phone so I couldn’t get through. I called the home health aide and we agreed that I should come over and calm everything down. We are only called in when the episodes lasts long enough to be totally freaky.

I came over, and Dad agreed to take off his coat, since I was doing the same. Now, how to convince a scared man that he is really in his home?

“Dad, if this were your home, would you know where you keep the scotch?”

“Of course,” he said as if I had impugned his very core. [Ok, I guess that is good.]

Dad went right for it. Score 1 for the older generation.

“Dad, if this were your home, where would your underwear drawer be?”

Dad found that, too. Score 2. While we were standing in front of his bureau, I asked:

“Dad, do you recognize some of the people in the pictures?”

He did. Not all but most. Score 2.5.

“So, Dad, if this is not your home, then it is doing a good job of making you comfortable.”

“But you see all of the paintings . . . ” He was referring to the paintings and sculpture in the living room and dining room.

A-ha. He doesn’t recognize that those are his and Mom’s. This is a huge downward trajectory for Dad. “Daddy, those are your and Mom’s paintings and sculptures.”

He seemed to start to understand. But not yet.

“Dad, if this is not your home, then this is a great art studio. I am going to have some wine while you have dinner in your dining room. Join me?”

Dad ate a little and had a little wine (less alcohol than scotch). We talked. Mostly non-sense (as in I had no idea what he was talking about) but slowly he was calming down and returning to earth. Finally he said:

“It is good to be home. And so lovely to have you over for dinner.”

“Yes, Dad, it is a treat to see you midweek. Now I am going home.”

We kissed good night. I hugged his home health aide knowing that she allows me to have a life separate from Dad’s because she only calls in the cavalry when she cannot snap him out of it within a reasonable time and he is a flight risk.

I get home and hug and kiss my son. We talk about the day and the weekend ahead, during which we will all attend a Bat Mitzvah.

“E-mom, remember, don’t hang around me during the Bat Mitzvah. It will be embarrassing.”

“No problem, buddy.” What I wanted to say was, “I don’t want to watch you and tweenage friends behaving in a way that will make me skin crawl. Besides, I am going to hang with the adults and behave in a way that will make you cringe from afar.”

But instead, I took my victory from the top bread and didn’t squeeze too hard on the bottom bread.

Maybe we could be a panini.

New Year’s Day in the Coffee Shop of the Undead

Posted on January 1, 2015 by 40andover

Ah, life in the Coffee Shop of the Undead is, well, hanging by a string.

Back story: http://40andoverblog.com/?p=5641; http://40andoverblog.com/?p=4858; http://40andoverblog.com/?p=5701; http://40andoverblog.com/?p=4435

Maybe not life, as much as sanity. Ok, not sanity so much as functional insanity. Life in the Coffee Shop of the Undead is measured by the functionality of those with dementia and other neurological disorders.

I guess it is also measured by physical compromise. If you aren’t crazy, then you are most likely so enfeebled that, if you make it to the place from your house, you (actually, your home health aide) should do a victory lap around the (tiny) place.

So where else would Dad go to see his friends? Regardless of Dad’s daily level of crazy, which hit the nuclear contamination levels today, he tips his hat to the elders already seated. For over 50 years, some of them were just passersby on the street, but now that they are the surviving remnant, they acknowledge each other. Others, like Marty and Joan (the kids of the group at mid-to-late 70s) get a real greeting. Dad reserves the warmest greeting for Sam, his old friend.

But Sam wasn’t at lunch today. Always a worrisome sign. Sam has Alzheimer’s and some other dementia diagnoses, but like any disease, he can function some days and not others.

After we left the coffee shop, we bumped into Sam just outside. (I am grateful that Dad and he have known each other for so long that, even with his mental disease, he recognizes Dad (and us)).

We greet Sam.

Sam says, “I have some very bad news. I was going to call.”

SOB and I hold our breaths. Is it his companion, Norma? Is it his ex-wife? His daughter? His granddaughter?

Sam continues. “My brain is not working so well. I have issues now.”

SOB and I exhale at the same time. THIS IS NOT NEWS. EVEN TO SAM. HE JUST CAN’T REMEMBER THAT IT ISN’T NEWS.

Dad — even with his nuclear-level dementia today — didn’t miss a beat, “if you would like company, we will come over or, food, we can bring it over.”

SOB and I marvel at the way Dad can summon the man he was for a friend in need.

The man he was. The totally addled man he is. They live side-by-side in the same body.

That is why it is so hard to handle the bad days.

Because there will be good moments to give a child hope.

And then, a moment later, the child wonders where her daddy has gone.

When the future loss seems real right now

Posted on November 24, 2014 by 40andover

I have chronicled Dad’s decline, and his surprising cameos in reality.

Something has changed. I couldn’t articulate it until I bumped into SOB (sister of blogger) in the gym locker room. Because why not discuss our deeply personal business when naked women are blow-drying their hair, I said:

“Something is different with Dad”

“He is winding down. It is sad.”

“It isn’t just his heart failure —

SIDEBAR: everyone over a certain age is in heart failure.

— have you noticed that he doesn’t annoy us so much anymore?”

We both had a think about that.

Dad was once a maestro at making us nuts. When Mom was dying, we knew that we would move in and disrupt our lives to care for her. Dad was different; he was too damn annoying.

Now, we are talking about taking turns staying over (along with his 24/7 care) if necessary.

What is different?

Dad is now a lovely old, nutty man who has — maximum — two or three habits that make SOB and me nuts. That’s it.

Wait.

Whaaaaat?

WHERE IS THE MAN WHO, WITHOUT EXERTING A MUSCLE, COULD MAKE ME NUTS BY TALKING ABOUT THE PRICE OF BANANAS OR COMMENTING LOUDLY ON OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE ON THE BUS? OR COULD BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WHEN A CAB DRIVER WAS TALKING ON THE PHONE INSTEAD OF ASKING HIM TO END HIS CALL?

Yes, the change. Dad being Dad as he is now doesn’t make me nuts. (Dad’s dementia, however, makes me sad, mad and crazy.)

I wished that my father would stop torturing me all these years. Now I understand the maxim: “careful what you wish for” because the quid pro quo in my case is too heartbreaking.

Thankfully, dementia is not linear. The old Dad shines through sometimes. Just this weekend, in advance of Thanksgiving, where we serve brisket instead of turkey, he asked:

“Did you remember to get the lean cut of brisket and did you find someone who knows how to carve it?”

Oh, Dad, the miracle of your annoying ways made my eyes well up when I responded:

“Daddy, I am good at a lot of things, but not carving brisket. You may have to deal with the usual thick slices, ok?”

Pause. Silence. Resignation. “Of course, darling.”

Ah, the gifts that can light up an evening sky.

Dear Dad,

Posted on October 18, 2014 by 40andover

These days, I keep thinking of the old times. How you were so playful when we were toddlers, too strict when we were teenagers, my rock during the turmoil of my twenties, and, along with Mom, your kids’ greatest cheerleader.

Sometimes I think that I see the glimmer of the old you. Beneath the bizarre outfits and the confused talk.

Our weekend of celebrating your big birthday was wonderful. (After 90, they are ALL big.) Sometimes you didn’t really understand what was going on, but you were happy that your family was around you.

(And you knew to wear the appropriate outfit your aide set out for you.)

And I know you didn’t need the luncheon to be in such a fancy place. I know if we said, “Dad, we are coming over and we are eating cardboard for dinner [fiber-rich],” you would say, “how wonderful! I can’t wait to see you.”

But you might worry about whether you would get an evening cocktail.

And so I know you have not lost your mind completely.

In the light of day, you know you get confused at night and, appreciating the humor, refer to the nighttime aides as your guards.

Your kids prefer the term, body guards. So, let’s use that term, shall we?

Today, you were mostly discombobulated and, yet, and yet, you were ready to go to the aid of an old friend whom we didn’t see in the diner today, and whom the waiters hadn’t seen since last week. You called him to pay a visit and bring food. In a clutch moment, the old you comes shining through. (P.S.: Sam is ok.)

This is a hard road, Dad, for all of us, and, most of all, for you.

And yet.

And yet, even in the waning days of your life and the continuing diminishing of your faculties, the essential you shines through.

You won’t ever read this. But I had to write it.

I love you, Dad.

~Blogger

P.S.: See you tomorrow, Dad. Same time. Lunch. But let’s change it up a little; let’s order something different. Because I cannot watch you try to put jam in your coffee or on the tomato slices that comes with your usual order of scrambled eggs.

Hello! Yes, it has been a while. Part 1

Posted on September 21, 2014 by 40andover

I hope everyone had a good summer.

Time for Fall. Time for the Jewish High Holy Days. Time to sit in sack cloth and ashes and mourn the long sunny days and the sultry nights of summer. And that my summer was not anything like the summers I remember when I was younger.

I have learned many things this summer, some profound and some not so. All important.

Dad continues a slow downward trajectory but never loses the essential elements (and annoyances) of the man he is. Dad called me one morning.

SIDEBAR: how DOES he call on my cell phone and office phone simultaneously???

He was quite fussed about the bank calling him about credit and debit cards, etc. He couldn’t understand what the caller was saying.

“Dad, I will call Chase and find out. Did you give the caller any information?”

“No. Nothing, but the caller seemed to know all my card numbers.“

“That’s a good sign, Dad. There is no odd activity on your accounts [I have them linked to mine and pulled them up while we were talking]. I will call and find out and call you back.”

“Thank you, darling. I feel so much better. You will call me right back?“

I have a colleague in my office and a deadline, but this is my dad. “As soon as I get some answers. Don’t worry I am ON it.”

I call. Chase is being cautious with recent security breaches, and is sending my father all new cards. I asked about any odd activity because what I see on the computer looks to be in real time but there may have been odd charges rejected.

“I am sorry, M’am. I will need your father on the line to answer these questions.“

“I have power of attorney. His accounts are linked to mine. Why do we have to involve my Dad?”

“This has to do with his profile.“

I have no idea what this means. The most important aspect was that for all of the planning, for all of the day-to-day handling of my father’s affairs, there are some places I cannot go without his express permission on tape.

I LEARNED THAT WE NEED TO MAKE BANKS ISSUE “FORMS OF POWER OVER EVERYTHING, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, WHATEVER” so that we can sign these and be finished with the chaos. Because there is the law and there is banking law.

I call Dad back on a three-way conference.

“Dad, I have you on the phone with Chase, so that I can talk to customer service about our inquiry.”

“Don’t you already have that authority?“

SIDEBAR: I love that Dad can still identify stupidity, even in dementia. Which really makes a person wonder about banking in general. (Sorry, Mighty.)

The woman talked, doing her level best to ascertain that my father was who he was, etc., but he was too stressed and needed a familiar voice to prompt him.

“Dad, Stacy needs your name. Dad, would you tell her your name?”

“Dad“.

SIDEBAR: I love that Dad thinks that being dad is who he is.

“Daddy, that is great. Can you give your full name now??”

So, he pretty much got the information right.

“Dad, that last question was do you give me, [Blogger], permission to talk to Stacy about your affairs.”

“Of course; I thought we did that already.”

“Ok, Dad, you can hang up now and I will call you back shortly.”

“Ok, darling. I love you.“

“I love you, Daddy. Thanks. I will call you back soon.”

All was ok. I resolved the matter and recapped with Dad.

“I am a lucky man, to have the kids I have.“

“We are lucky. These things are complicated and we can do this for you. And we want to do this for you.”

“With nothing to worry about, I might live past 120!!“

“Don’t worry, Dad, we have that covered, too, but your children will be on social security, so we will have to pool resources. . . . ”

Another day, another problem resolved.

WHAT I LEARNED (AGAIN):

Little kids, little problems.
Big kids, big problems.
Aging parent, a combination of both and . . .

And I can only hope that, from day-to-day, there are mostly little problems until the day that it is THE BIG PROBLEM.

The truths about roller coaster rides.

Posted on July 27, 2014 by 40andover

The first truth about roller coaster rides is that it can be scary, exhilarating, fun and vomit-inducing, but, at its end, it delivers you to its starting point and you wobble out onto terra firma.

The second truth is that you don’t need to go to an amusement park to ride one.

Thursday began like any other day. I was late getting to the office for a call with opposing counsel. I didn’t even try to blame the trains. I emailed him on my subway ride to push back the call 15 minutes.

When I get out of the subway, I receive a text from Dad’s home health aide (HHA).

“Have your sister call me immediately.”

My sister, SOB (sister of blogger] is a doctor. This is not good. I call SOB immediately.

“SOB, it’s [Blogger], call HHA immediately. She just texted that she needs to speak with you. Call me after you speak to her.”

I am shaking. Is this the day? I don’t exactly remember the walk to my office. But as I start to turn on my computer, my ringing cell phone snaps me back.

“It’s [SOB], HHA had to call 911 because Dad is basically non-responsive.”

Is this the day that Dad dies?

SOB and I know that we have to run to Dad’s house before anyone takes him to a hospital, so we can evaluate the situation. He is almost 94 years old and has told us, again and again, that he wants to die in his bed. And, unless there was acute pain or discomfort to relieve, being in a hospital is only torture for a person his age. Old age is old age. This is not a curable condition. It is a fact of life.

I run part of the way there. SOB is still in traffic. I look at Dad. He is now alert and comfortable on the gurney. He knows me and seems relieved I am there. He has no pain but looks so tired. He smiles as he does when family walks into the room. Our embrace is awkward because he is on a gurney.

“Dad, [SOB] is coming any minute and we will figure out whether you need to go to the hospital.”

“Yes, darling. Let’s wait for [SOB].”

The EMTs tell me all his vitals are good. Apparently, Dad slumped over at breakfast and HHA couldn’t rouse him. She literally lifted him and had him lean on her while she got him to his bed in his bedroom. The EMTs said he was non-responsive when they got there but with a little rubbing on his sternum, he started to wake up.

Dad hovered between life and death and came back to life.

So, TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT THE DAY. Still, the crisis isn’t over until the EMTs unstrap Dad from the gurney and they leave his house.

And Dad had mentioned heart disease, so the EMTs want to take him to the hospital.

“Dad is in mild heart failure. Who isn’t at almost 94? There is heart disease in his family, but he takes no medications, except an evening scotch.”

And then Dad says:

“They might not get paid if they came all this way and don’t come back with a patient.”

The EMTs smile. They understand that my father wants to do the honorable thing. They are also a little confused by his seeming clarity in one moment and his dementia in another. The EMTs wait for SOB to arrive (G-d bless professional courtesy).

Then Dad said:

“Before we go anywhere, I have to say goodbye to my wife.”

The EMTs look at me and look at HHA, who is 50 years his junior.

“NO, NO, NO,” I say. “Look at the wall. See the painting? That is Mom in 1967. He needs to say good-bye to HER.”

OMG OMG OMG. This still could be the day. Oh, SHIT.

The EMTs were fabulous. One was a little circumspect, probing about my knowledge of Dad’s medical and mental state. I appreciated his concern and we walked a little away from Dad.

“Look, my father has been exceptionally healthy his whole life. He is at the end of his life. If he is not in pain or gasping, why would I want newly minted doctors (it IS July, after all) poking and prodding him? But, let’s wait for the real doctor, my sister.”

Then that EMT starts to test my knowledge of Jewish culture and Yiddishkeit. The Blogger family name is stereotypically Jewish. And he was testing me to figure out if I understood the Commandment to honor my father and my mother.

SOB walks in and consults with the EMTs. Then she says to both of them:

“Last time he was in a hospital, it was for a brain bleed resulting from tripping on the sidewalk. Although he was in neuro ICU and was watched by a private nurse, he got out of bed twice and fell both times. Since then he wanders. A hospital is not a safe place for him. He has terrific 24 hour care at home. And my sister and I are each a cab ride away.”

Both EMTs understood. The circumspect EMT (who turned out to be an observant Jew) was more comfortable when we knew some Yiddish and when we told him that we had been through this drill before and we had tended to our mother in her dying days.

He said, “We have to call the supervisor. I fear Hashem [G-d], my wife, gobblins and my supervisor, and your dad said he wanted to go to the hospital before you both arrived.”

“I get that. Make yourselves to home. Can we give you something to drink or eat?”

The observant Jew demurred. The other EMT said, his wife packs food. So I asked, “you fear both your wife and Ha-Shem on this score.” He nodded.

The EMTs and Dad start to talk. They ask how he feels.

“It is the end.”

“End of what, sir?”

“The end of my life.”

Those words hang in the air, until interrupted by the arrival of the supervisor. The supervisor calls the doctor on duty. Everyone groans.

“What’s wrong with this doctor?” I ask, thinking the nightmare has just begun.

“He’s been sued a lot. He will want to enforce transport to the hospital.”

WAIT. WAIT. I have power of attorney. My sister has health proxy. We, and our 24/7 nursing care, take excellent care of Dad. We see him all of the time. We know his wishes, his medical history and, hell, what he eats in the diner and what he hates in a museum. We speak to him everyday and see him every weekend. Dad has told us what he wants and he trusts us. And we love him.

DIDN’T YOU SEE THAT HE WASN’T AFRAID ANYMORE WHEN HIS CHILDREN ARRIVED? THAT HE PERKED UP? HOW CAN THIS DOCTOR OVER THE PHONE ENFORCE THE TRANSPORT TO THE HOSPITAL?

Well, he did. SOB and I would not stand for it. Dad was sitting in a chair talking and feeling comfortable. He didn’t need to go to the hospital.

“Call the doctor back. NOW!”

At this point the EMTs are rooting for keeping Dad home. And I was ready to name Dr. [Blank] in a lawsuit. After the doctor spoke to Dad, he asked to speak to the daughter who is the lawyer. NOT THE DAUGHTER WHO IS THE DOCTOR. This is some paranoid dude.

“Yes, Dr. [Blank}.”

“Ms. [Blogger], BLAH BLAH BLAH. BLAH BLAH BLAH. BLAH BLAH BLAH” – I made the universal hari kari sign so everyone in the room could feel my pain — “Your father could have any number of issues.”

“Dr. [Blank], he is almost 94 years old. Can any of those potential issues be prevented by a hospital visit today? We can agree that the answer is no. And you have our family’s thanks for not compelling transport to a hospital. I appreciate your advice on guardianship. Thank you, doctor.”

The EMTs cheer the outcome. We hugged one EMT and I said to the observant Jew, “I won’t hug you or shake your hand, but I would if you weren’t observant.”

“Thank you. In this case, I fear my wife first. Hashem, second.”

SMART MAN, THAT EMT.

All non-essential personnel left. I went out to get pizza for everyone. To celebrate success after the two hours that felt like ten. We ate. We all sacked out for an hour.

SOB went into Dad’s bedroom to check on him. He was glad that he stayed at home. He was glad to have his children around and he felt loved and supported by all of his children, even though our brother lives far away. He told SOB what a lucky man he is and what a good life he has had. The drift toward the inevitable is beginning.

We all got up a kibbitzed. Soon it was cocktail hour.

“Dad,” SOB started, “there needs to be a new rule in the usual [Blogger family] protocol in these circumstances: If ambulance comes, no scotch at cocktail hour.”

Dad wasn’t so ok with it. So I had to draw it from him. The new addition to our protocol:

IF AMBULANCE,

THEN

Dad fought it tooth and nail and enjoyed the tussle with his kids. He was present in a way he is not usually. His mind was more clear (but still out there). He was a little pale, but he survived.

The day turned out to be a great day, because:

We met wonderful people — the EMTs — who care about the people they help.

And, Death took a holiday of sorts for our family.

SOB and I stagger off the roller coaster. The ride was rough but everyone survived.

And the White Knight is Talking Backwards

Posted on July 13, 2014 by 40andover

What do Grace Slick (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Slick) and Dad have in common?

Ok. It sounds like a trick question.

Grace Slick’s nickname was Acid Queen. Dad’s nickname was Nachy, short for his given name Nachum (his older brother later changed it to an American name).

She was the doyenne of Acid Rock and her heyday was the 60s. Dad’s heyday was the 40s and 50s.

Grace Slick tried to slip Nixon LSD (we later learned that he was on far better stuff). Dad made a killer Rob Roy — very, very dry, with a twist of lemon.

Grace Slick’s songs had surrealistic, metaphoric lyrics, sometimes using the mundane as “cover”. Dad, a sculptor, was firmly rooted in realism but sought to imbue a sense of emotion and motion in his work.

But both believed in change; both were against Vietnam. Grace protested on stage. Dad marched on Washington.

I loved Jefferson Airplane as a kid because it spoke to my as-yet-unidentified angst and different-ness. When things didn’t make sense, I would think of the lyrics of “Go Ask Alice” — “and the white knight is talking backwards. . . .”

And when, as a preteen and then a teenager, I knew I didn’t fit into the heterosexual world and felt let down by everyone and by G-d because I was different, the first lyric of “Somebody to Love” reverberated in my head:

When the truth is found
To be lies
And all the joy
Within you dies

Don’t you want somebody to love?
Don’t you need somebody to love?
Wouldn’t you love somebody to love?
You better find somebody to love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug32SjIWfKs

So, what does any of this have to do with Dad?

Well, it is complicated. As little as Dad understood about the turmoil in me, he was my champion. He held me once in what was almost my rock bottom and said, “hold onto me. And nothing bad can happen.” He held onto me then and so many times after that when I thought I would have otherwise been consumed by my demons and by my different-ness.

Over these few years, Dad’s mental capabilities have diminished. Most times, in person or on the phone, he gives me enough reality so I can make a conversation around it and maybe even garner a laugh from him.

In the last week, it has become almost impossible to identify something in what he says that I can’t spin back to reality and bring him back to us. And I keep thinking, “Oh shit, the white knight is talking backwards and I hate Alice in Wonderland.”

And Dad probably hated Alice in Wonderland. We are too logical. Which makes this most recent decline even more difficult. He is still razor sharp on some things, but those things have become islands in an archipelago, where once the archipelago was a seamless land mass.

And so Dad is talking backwards. And he lost his love, my Mom. And he lives a psychedelic existence that is not tethered in reality or surreality. But is not just a “bad trip” in 60s and 70s parlance. It is old age and the vagaries that come with a life (maybe) too long.

But he is truly happy when his family is around him, even if he cannot follow or contribute to a conversation. I feel it in the hug and our saying, “I love you” to each other. And through the haze, he sometimes says that he knows we are here and he is grateful for our love and support.

And I cry.

Because he lives life like a Grace Slick song.

Because my white knight is talking backwards and it is my turn to save him.

Snakes and their charms

Posted on May 27, 2014 by 40andover

I envy snakes. They shed their skins every year (or so).

Sidebar: I have no idea about timing, but I know that some snakes molt at some point in their life spans because I took enough science courses to meet the prerequisites to graduate from college.

Sider-bar: I will confess to taking “Holes and Poles” (Human Sexuality) and “Oceans” (Oceanography) and, for the latter, doing a project called, “Songs, Jokes and Catch of the Sea,” where I played sea shanties, served the professor a gourmet lobster meal (purchased from a fancy restaurant) and, while he was dining (linen napkin and all), I told him jokes related to water.

Sidest-bar: As disgraceful as it is, it would be more disgraceful if I hadn’t been graduated from college and then my parents’ hard-earned money would have seemed like even more of a waste.

SIDEBAR uber alles: Are you rethinking the importance of an Ivy League education?

[Oh, dear, I even digressed from sidebars!!!! It will get worse, still, I promise.]

Snakes don’t get younger. Their skins just lose the scars and damage of the year’s mistakes, fights and punishments.

And the snakes begin again.

Older, and

maybe wiser, and

surely as venomous or constrictive as the year before, but

certainly, EXFOLIATED.

And, when my skin is exfoliated (and, ok, throw in a collagen treatment, just for grins), well, there is NOTHING that this 50 year-old can’t do. (Except afford the next facial.) And I can dust myself off and try again to be all I could be.

Ok, some boys and girls won’t understand this. But, those who do, and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, know that I am right on this.

Life Is Beautiful

Posted on May 22, 2014 by 40andover

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the immense joy in seeing my nephews happy and proud. Never did I think I would have a child, much less adore him, warts and all.

Never did I imagine that I had warts. (Ok, we ALL grow up.)

Never did I imagine that my brother-in-law would be my brother, too. Or that my sister-in-law, 7 years my junior, would evoke such respect, love and awe for her “male management” in the Shap Shack. [I wish we were closer in geography, time and heart.]

Or that my brother and I, sometimes so diametrically opposed yet so alike in manner, in humor and in comic timing, would sit companionably at a table where he and my son were feasting on pork in a Jewish home.

Or that my brother’s son would come north and share sleep away camp with my son, his cousin.

These are the gifts of family. Gifts of age. And, with age, the gift of perspective.

But most important, these are, yes, the gifts that make life beautiful and bountiful and safe.

The gifts that wait for us to grow, change, reject what was, and then, coming full circle, accept what was and, as a consequence, what is.

And the gifts for which, even in the moments of sorting out the affairs of the living and the dead (and those hovering in between), I am grateful. Because it means that SOB, BOB and I will have each other. And, that, in bad times, in desperate times, in unfair times, we can rely on each other.

Because no matter how far off any of us travels, or how bad things get, there is, at long last, the ties that bind. The door that is wide open. Even more important, the loving arms that beckon us into a secure embrace.

And that makes life, indeed, beautiful and full.

[P.S.: I rented a Texas-size car for visiting day at camp. Just in case SOB and HOSOB want to join the road trip.]

Saturday in the Park . . . .

Posted on May 19, 2014 by 40andover

I have been pretty overwhelmed by life and responsibility.

Then, as if from on high (ok, via cell phone), comes a booming voice:

“I read your blogs. I have a few comments: Schmuck, you are 50. Count them, I will wait. [No waiting time] Ok, I will bottom-line it for you. 50 years old. Are you going to spend the next decade in the dumps? Because your father will live that long. You know he will —”

“But,” trying to get in a word, “there was AROB and ULOB and —-“

“Done. They are gone. It is hard to clean up after people who are dead. But you are not hurting them by selling their stuff and doing whatever you have to do. It is a job.”

Pause. I am trying hard not to shriek, “You don’t f&^*ing understand! It has been toooooo much these past two years!!!” But I didn’t.

I did seethe, however. And think about my martyrdom. I felt sooooo self-righteous. And then I remembered I was Jewish and there is no sainthood.

And, then, I thought: Really, [Blogger]? Are you kidding me?

Martyrdom?

MARTYRDOM?

MARTYRDOM?

Do ya read the newspapers? [NOW, I am calling myself, schmuck.]

I stopped. Mostly because I exhausted myself, even without uttering a word. And, I was letting stuff get me down which, if I stopped for a little perspective, is hard but so life-affirming. I was getting stuck in a quagmire of details and legal issues and I forgot to be grateful for the lives my elders lived and my part in making those lives happy and secure at the most vulnerable times.

But, perspective can be tiresome and short-lived, especially if one is a self-indulgent, overly-consumptive New Yorker. (Oops, that would be I.)

Still, even I couldn’t shake the idea that I need to think differently about a situation that isn’t going to change (until the BIG change). Saturday was such a sunny beautiful day that it was hard to feel sad.

I decided walking to Dad’s house for lunch (at the you-know-where) was just the thing to put me in a good mood.

I walked the three or so miles there, through the city streets and Central Park.

It didn’t start out so well.

I heard a woman ranting at her boyfriend (possibly fiancé) about how much money he gives to his dead-beat dad. The man didn’t even utter a word. She just kept on responding to his unspoken answers.

I wanted to scream. Oh, please, shut up. Did you ask what he gets out of it and what pain he avoids by doing this, even though you say he doesn’t want to give his dad money?

I heard two joggers disagree about whether helmets save lives.

Ok, thought for the day: it may or it may not, but what the hell, wear it. I couldn’t hurt.

OK, this walk in the Park thing is — how shall I say it — no walk in the park.

Then, I heard one biker, who apparently had been cut off by another biker, yell, “Youw mothah is a man!!!” [English translation: your mother is quite unattractive.]

So unexpected in a City where, in fact, his mother could have transitioned from, or to, a man. Such a throwback comment, ripped right from the urban playground where we born-and-bred New Yorkers cut our teeth in the 1960s and 70s.

I don’t know why, but I laughed so hard. Maybe because it was a different kind of nostalgia — ludicrous one and so out-dated. And the laughter made the sun felt brighter and warmer. And I hummed all the way to Dad’s house, even skipping a little.

I think I will try to walk to Dad’s as many times as I can.

40 — oh wait, yikes!! 50 — andoverblog

Aging and living in urban US

Tag Archives: Aging