I don’t drink beer.  After four years of smelling mung beer in fraternity basements in college, the mere suggestion of beer makes my nose hair curl.

Have a beer with the President? You bet.  What, my strong aversion to beer?  Nah, dude.  If that is my ticket to have a sit down with the most powerful man in the nation (who happens to have the cutest ears in the nation), then, what me, an anti-beerist?  I’d even drink a rusty can of Rheingold circa 1969 if it gets me on the patio in the Rose Garden.

So, as I see it, here is how I need to orchestrate my 45 minutes with the Big Guy.  I have to do something outrageous that actually sparks outrage.  (I do outrageous stuff all the time, but no one seems to care.)  It has to threaten the kumbaya veneer of society in a menacing, yet ultimately not physically harmful, way.  Then it has to be on the 24-hour news RE-cycle, just in time for a Presidential press conference where the President is tired and talking about really important things critical to the nation’s future. Then, with seconds to go before he gets to leave the press room, have his make-up washed off and kick back with Michelle, a friend with press credentials has to ask about my incident.  Hopefully, he will be annoyed and the incident will touch a chord in him and he will have an authentic, I-am-human-and-I-have-unscripted-opinions moment.  POUNCE!!  I got my beer.

So, here is my checklist to close this deal:

1. outrageous behavior: easy
2. outrageous behavior that is offensive but does not involve weapons: hmmmmm.  Watch celebrity TV shows for ideas.
3. get attention for outrageous behavior: Get a walk-on spot on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!!”
4. get on 24 hour news RE-cycle: [Do I have to say nice things about CNN?] Start by being an iReporter.
5. time it with an important press conference:  after August recess when Congress is fighting over the health care bill.
6. have a friend with a press pass to the White House:  We need to break this agenda item into 3 subparts:  (a) Find a friend, (b) find a friend with press pass and (c) find a friend with press pass to White House.
7. have friend ask a question on my outrageous behavior (which I learned from the celebrity TV shows or the coverage on the Michael Jackson family circus):  do you think tickets to the US Open Tennis men’s and women’s finals will do it?
8. Get Obama ticked off:  easy, just ask my partner.
9. BEER TIME!!!!