When you were a kid, didn’t you think, “Wait, I can’t hear you.  Let me put my glasses on” was one of the most bizarre comments your parents and grandparents ever said?

Glasses are for seeing.  Not for hearing.  But now I get it.  I really do hear better with my glasses on.  And not only that — I hear only certain tones of voice.  Disappointment, nope.  Irritation, nope.  Boredom, nope.  Frothy exuberance, yes!!  You may deduce then that I do not hear sounds that often.  Brilliant, isn’t it?

Not that I need glasses.  In fact, with the help of ginormous magnification, I am typing without my bifocals, which I can’t seem to find anywhere.

Yes, sir.  I am the female version (ok, uglier female version) of Brad Pitt in that media debacle about the reverse-aging man.  Except my chestnut brown hair with auburn highlights is gray.

But I learned today from a questionable site featured on Yahoo that some scientist (and possibly of questionable moral rectitude) determined that as we “mature” we no longer break down the hydrogen peroxide that forms in our hair follicles.  So, the hydrogen peroxide bleaches our hair white.  And, to think, from Marilyn Monroe to Lady Gaga, they tried for the so-blond-it-is-almost-white look and I, for one, now get it naturally.

I bet you wondered why I am rambling on like this.  Answer:  I am losing my mind, of course.  It is still probably in my head, near where my glasses are perched, which is why I couldn’t find them until now.

Tomorrow I am going to wear a hard hat and ear plugs to keep my brains in place.  And I will try not to sneeze.