New Age Mom

So, a few weeks ago, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition came out.  This, you might think, would be a holiday in a lesbian home.  But, sigh, we are here, we are queer and we are middle-age.

SOS is, however, a pre-adolescent boy.

SOS wanted to know whether we needed help going to the drug store.  Excuse me?  Our boy wanted to help with errands?

Maybe, like a caterpillar into a butterfly, our son blossomed into the son of G-d, as is every Jewish mother’s dream?

Well, no, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is on display and available at Rite-Aid.

“Dude, I will buy it for you, but you can’t show it to your friends, because we don’t have their parents’ permission, ok?”

“No, I am not ready to own it, E Mom.”

SIDEBAR:  When SOS was 8 years-old, he asked everyone he met to buy him that years’ swimsuit edition.  Just keeping the record straight.

“Ok, but you know I get it, bud.  Mommy and I think women are beautiful.”

“E Mom, no offense, but I cannot talk to you about this, OK?”

All right, too much information for my son.  I get it.  I am not going to bond with him by scoping out cute girls.  Although I could . . . .

We have to do this the cloak and dagger way.  SOS gives me an exaggerated wink and says:

“E Mom, do you need anything at the drug store?”

“Why, yes, buddy, I do.  Wanna come?”

We go to Rite Aid.  I browse in the lotions and potions area, totally worried that I don’t have a visual on my son who is perusing magazines with pedophiles.

It is amazing how drug stores have Valu-Paks of anti-aging lotions.  It is really amazing that a chain store succeeded where Vasco Di Gama did not.  Fountain of youth, aisle 4, and now in easy to use and re-fill containers.  Isn’t the modern world a wonder?

Alas, though, no Sports Illustrated.  Only Maxim’s, which would do the trick any OTHER weekend but NOT on the last weekend for the swimsuit edition.

We soldiered on to Duane Reade, where I dawdled again in the lotions and potions aisle and took a brief survey of all the processed foods one can buy these days in drug stores. Are processed foods considered a drug or a food under the FDA?

I went to find SOS after an eternity of inventory research at Duane Reade.  Maybe 20 minutes.  Apparently I didn’t dawdle enough.  Uh oh.

“Buddy, let’s go to a real book store and then I promise I will need a chocolate bar or a bottle of water on the way home, ok?”

At the book store, he was content with the animals of the Serengeti and the dynasties of pre-Communist China.

As promised, we returned to the drug store where I purchased things I didn’t need so that my son could marvel at the bodies of beautiful women.

We got home and I said, “you can go to your room if you want.  Just wash your hands when you come out.”

I am nothing if not practical.

Don’t worry, Pearl and Will, no magazines are coming to camp, except the G-rated ones.