Ok, so I was “chubby” (work that euphemism with me, please) in college. Once leaving college, coming out and feeling the rhythm of post-college, I lost weight — a lot of weight — and resumed being the skinny kid I was before 11th grade.
Of course, many people haven’t seen me in 25 years. (Some one asked me, “so were you thin in high school and then just went out of control for the college years?) Now the guys, now a little chunkier with a lot less hair, were checking me out. I was amused by it, and a little creeped out because they were married.
In fact, two of my married friends were hit on by married-men-not-their-husbands. Really? Really? I thought one of the waitresses was really cute (a grad school graduate picking up extra money — I was in the back talking to a fellow classmate who owns the catering company and she introduced me to her husband the chef and the entire staff). Hey, if everyone is checking out people, I could, too. And besides it would be too ooky to check out my classmates, even though many clearly did. One of my friends, a straight woman, saw this same waitress seemingly sweltering in the heat in her uniform and said to her, “You look hot!” As in, “it is Hot Like Africa Hot here and you must be sweltering and sweating into my food and that is too gross!” Still, my friend reported to the group that she told the waitress she was HOT! I love my friends.
In a too-weird-for-words episode, I was standing with some friends on Main Street and a guy comes barreling out of the nearby café to talk with one of my friends. The guy says “how’s the film business in NY?” Ok, my friend isn’t in film anymore (as in not for 20 years) and he isn’t in NY. So, my friend says where he is and what he does and the guy says, “you may know my brother! He died in 1996 but, before he died he was the foremost authority on [the most obscure crazy thing NO ONE has ever thought about].” Ok, now that is a conversation stopper. What do you say, “So, you like staying in the dorms?” or “Got kids?”
Somethings a person doesn’t need to remember: nicknames like Crabs, Stain, Fiend and — yes — Swivel.
Finally, in the too-late for this reunion, but something to remember for next time:
When someone asks you what you do after blowing hard about all the fabulous things he or she does, just say, ” I just released an album about yodeling. You might recognize certain cuts from the Sound of Music, but I included more authentic tunes and some new, really edgy stuff. If you would like, I can put on my lederhosen and bring out my trumpet-like instrument and demonstrate.”
