A great philosopher and life coach (and a college friend) once offered up a simple, yet mind-blowing concept: situations and relationships can be toxic. Now, this great philosopher and life coach may reveal herself in a comment but I do try (as best I can) to exercise some discretion in naming names.
Think about that: not just WMDs and not just science experiments gone wrong, but the relationships can be, well, combustible. Or more often, a slow carbon monoxide leak. And this is true in business relationship as well as love relationships as well as family relationships.
It is possible to overstate the point. My child’s periodic tantrums and exhortations of “I never get to do ANYthing” are annoying but they are not toxic. And they are more than balanced by the sheer joy I get from spending time with my partner and our son. My partner and I may argue, but we are soul mates.
Even relationships that ostensibly start out fine can turn toxic. They get toxic when one feels bad and unloved and exploited. But we must remember that relationships are not balanced all the time, every day. For example, recently I have been leaning more on my partner for emotional support than usual (and I am so lucky to have her). So, technically, there is an imbalance. And I may never be as supportive of her as she is of me now, but as long as she feels loved and respected and appreciated, that can also balance the cosmic equation. Toxicity comes in when the power in a relationship is taken or (let’s admit it) ceded to one person. Usually that happens out of fear but sometimes it happens because that is the only relationship model one knows.
Over some months, I realized a dangerously high toxin level in one relationship. Still, I was desperate to keep it in part for economic reasons, but mostly because I was looking for vindication, acceptance and a great epiphany that I imagine I deserved.
I keep reminding myself that if I knew I was being poisoned by carbon monoxide, I’d run, like the wind.
Still, breaking up stinks even if it is for the best.
